2 years ago...

today, at this time I was more than likely still in a bit of a daze and in 'mothering mode' as I had just had my very first newborn baby put into my arms at about 07:50am that morning.... My 'new born baby' is a walking talking adorable little boy, who is starting to express his mind i.e. his favourite word is 'No', and his feet are so much bigger, I cant stop staring at them, trying to recall the baby feet that I once held. And tonight as you were sleeping and began to cry in your sleep and I held you against my chest and stroked your forehead, I remembered that it wasnt that long ago that you were being breastfeed by me, and now you ask me outright for your juice or your tea. 
We had a bit of a party to celebrate Josh's second birthday with a noddy theme ..Josh loves Noddy. Probably because I did as a child (and no I dont think Noddy and Big Ears are gay...how ridiculous!...and whilst I have read that Enid Blyton was a bit eccentric I loved all her books). Pictures of the party will follow but I wanted to record a message for Josh on this blog on this his second birthday:

To my darling little Joshie (as you are fondly known)
2 years have gone by of your life, so quickly to us, and I trust God that you will have many more years ahead. May you be blessed, may you know that you are loved dearly by me, your dad and your sister. May you understand that as your parents we aim to guide you, teach you and love you - that you wont always like us at a certain (teen)age, but know that we are determined to raise you to the best of our ability with morals, values and to instill in you a character of strength, hope, kindness, gentleness and empathy to other human beings and creatures alike. Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done and at times I wonder am I doing enough, could there be more, I should have done that, but no one or nothing here on this earth could love you more than I and your dad do.
So Happy Birthday .. there will be more to come and we plan the parties, we buy the presents, but the most important thing to me is celebrating your birth!
Love Mum and Dad
xxx

Joshua's Birth Day: 24th March 2008

Parties

Parties Parties Parties are all around us... Joshua went to a party on the weekend in this sweltering heat ... 38 degrees on Sunday.. the poor parents. The kids were hot and bothered, the birthday boy was crying and miserable, and the jumping castle lay there untouched. It was just simply too hot to move never mind jump. It was Joshua's friend from his creche and Sarah, Veronica and Steven's daughter was also there .. Josh, Matthew and Sarah are the 3 musketeers apparently. Though Matthew was in the 'its my party and I'll cry if I want to' mood.
But parties are all around at the moment, and most importantly to me .. Joshua's 2nd Birthday,  and on the top of my to do list as my 'little' boy is turning 2 so I am in full party planning mode. Phew it is hard work and finding the time now that I am a working mum again is tough. His theme is going to be Noddy as he absolutely loves Noddy so I being the organizer that I am had already bought a few things for the party whilst I was still on maternity leave. Now it is just sorting out the finer details like party food / following up on rsvps, getting ingridients for goodies, packing the actual party packs etc. and then the set up on the day. It reminded me of Josh's birthday last year when I was already 3 months pregnant with Hannah - who on Joshua's birthday will be exactly 6 months. It was not the best party I felt hot and bothered and nauseaus and as is the case running around trying to talk to everyone there, see to my child and ensure there is cooldrink/food replenished etc. This year I am going to make a concious effort to be more with Josh on the day..sit with him, play with him and to hell with those needing another glass...go get it yourself..lol that is so not me but I will try :-) . my lasting memory of Joshua's party was me throwing up 5 minutes after everyone had left, mostly due to all day sickness but also due to the running around and stress of the day. You see I am a stressor, I am getting better at it though and learning to let go a lot but I am a perfectionist and like things to go ..'just so'.
So this birthday Josh's second I am planning to enjoy and although I am hiring some stuff from a party place have always believed in doing some home made stuff, you know those party things we had as children.. the racing cars with jelly tots for wheels, ice cream cone upside down clowns, all those yummy home made goodies... so hopefully I will get the energy to do that and attempt a couple of things.Any relatively easy 'bakey' thing ideas that have a relation to Noddy would be appreciated.
I cannot believe he is going to be 2 .... sigh sigh sigh .... Father time just marches along and us mothers grasp at the time like 'sands through the hourglass'. 
Here are some pics of the sweltering party which was a combination of Winnie the Pooh and Soccer ... Our saving grace, Clive Steve and I was the ice lollys that thank goodness the parents had stocked up from Gattis. Note to self: go to Gattis and stock up just in case!
x

Long Overdue

Well to those that actually visit my blog this post is long overdue...in fact I willnever fit in 2 months of missed news but will attempt to brief you as to where I have been. As I mentioned in my last post I was revelling in the time off with my kids, still being on maternity leave. Boy do I miss it. (I'll get there for those of you who dont know what I am on about). But first things first ... the thing that I was most annoyed with myself for not blogging was documenting Hannah's growth and milestones as I did Josh's - unfortunately yet again another example of 2nd child syndrome..you know dont take as many photos, etc, etc. Well I am endevouring on the photo side and video side to keep up, inbetween life it is sometimes hard to blog as much as I would like to.

Hannah Audrey-Rose Lamarina - watch that name because I think she is going to have a bright future ahead of her. I know that all moms think the world of their children - as they should - but just have a feeling about this little girl of mine. She is the most amazing baby and if I had known her character as I now do I think I would have changed her second name to "Joy" - she is without a doubt the source of so much Joy..she is the happiest baby I have ever come across, happily smiling and cooing at anyone and everyone, she sleeps through the night, she giggles at her brother and her milestones are miles ahead of the milestones. She is one smart cookie so far. I knew, (Clive wasn't so sure) that you would love both your children, but I wasnt quite prepared for how the bond has grown with Hannah. Her birth was so quick it almost didnt register I didnt have the same overflow of tears with her as I did with Josh when he was born, but she has crept right into my heart and it grows and grows and grows every day, it is a protective love fierce and proud. She comes into a generation of strong woman on both sides of the family and I can already see her assert those traits.

She is now 5 months, no longer a baby baby, she stiffens her arms and lifts her chest she rolls over from back to tummy all the time and back again, she is trying her utmost to crawl she just hasnt got her momentum yet but any day now I am sure we will see it. She sees Clive and I from a distance and grins from ear to ear and babbles away.  She has just discovered her hands and stares at them and laughs holding them in front of her face, sometimes as though she is reaching up for the stars. She is the most precious thing ever and I miss being with her in the day terribly, I cant believe my maternity leave is once again over and that all that 'newness' of a baby is gone again and now quite understand those that feel broody...not that I am .. I am most definitely NOT. But I want to hold onto that stage a bit longer than what we have, time waits for no-one least of all the moms of the world - babies grow we grow it is life - it is unstoppable - I suppose that is what memories are for unravelling the precious moments and reliving them.

Well onto an explanation to those as to why my blogs and facebook have been relatively quiet. I went back to work in January and on second day that I was back at work, I was retrenched. Which I had suspected was going to come sometime this year, the company has downsized considerably and marketing is usually the first to be cut - in any event it is something that came as no surprise and I had been trusting God for His hand upon my future as I had not been happy at my job for quite sometime. Unbelievably I now have a new job and it is demanding and hectic as I am now the NKOTB (for those fans that still are out there..New Kid on the Block) so it about re-establishing relationships / learning again, but it is going really well so far and I am happy..yes I miss my kids terribly - yes I want to have my cake and eat it by both working and being at home, but for right now this is where I believe God wants me and am trusting in Him. At the end of the day I need to put a roof over the heads of my children and feed them and we cannot make do on one salary to look after both kids so I have to work. My hope is that I will be able to have much more flexibility and /or work from home by the time they start Primary School so that I can be home for them then.
So yes life has been busy and up and down and I have still visited the other blogs from time to time  - and hope now that I have finally done this post I can get back to my regular blogging. Here are a few updated pics.
Nix

Apologies

Sorry to those that follow my blog getting updates and pics of the kids, no excuse except havent felt much like posting anything and revelling in my time off, add to the fact that it has been a mission to upload pics as need to downsize first but promise will do a post by the end of the week
xxx

Tis the Season

Well December is here in all its glory the summer days, wow it has been hot, the christmas vibe etc. It is also the silly season where things are hectic and life is so busy and the month seems to fly by as we busily do all that needs to be done for christmas and attend social gatherings, all in all December is a great month.
It is weird to be around the house at this time of year as I am still on maternity leave, I must say I quite like it, in fact I could go as far to say as I am getting quite used to being at home, and am wondering how I am going to cope going back to work with 2 children now to add to our lifestyle. To be honest I am not really looking forward to it, in a perfect world I would work a half day job and spend the other half with my kids, which by the by would not be an easy half to the rest of the afternoon, but would allow me to just BE with my children.
The more I think about it the more depressed I feel about going back to work, I am not looking forward to leaving Hannah at a daycare so young when Josh had a nanny at home look after him, but we dont have much choice we have a bond and bills to pay...many moms out there have had to do what I have to do and their kids are fine, but ... there is always a but ... I would just like to have freedom to work a bit to keep that adult stimulation / business acumen going and then have the time to be with my kids when I want to.

Anyhow I went off on a tangent there when I was actually talking about Christmas... Our tree was supposed to go up today but it was not done ... it was very hot in CPT and I was kept busy with going to the shop for lunch stuff, feeding, changing Hannah and Josh .. so like many things in my life at the moment things just arent getting done when I want them done, in fact I am getting quite blase about it now, 'oh well' is my attitude at the moment which is amazing for me as I like things done immediately. So we just spent the day at home which was nice in a way as we had not done that in awhile. Next weekend we are off to a wedding in Paarl on Saturday morning and the grannies are babysitting whohoo!! Clive and our first outing alone in I cannot remember how long, it is a brunch and I plan to have lots of champagne and orange juice! and then we have a kiddies Christmas party the next day which should be great fun, but most of all I cant wait for Clive to be finished with work for this year, it has been a tough last couple of months with him working ridiculous hours and Saturdays and I am at the end of my rope with it all, I just want some family time ... what is more important than that at this time of year.

 

Well I will leave you with some pics taken recently....have a good week all.

A message for the future

I am still here, I have not disappeared under the mound of disposable nappies...yet :-)
I was thinking of my blog and the blogs I read and wondered if we "took in" the 'virtual footprint' we are leaving behind? I love reading Caroline's moms Cabbages and Kings reminisces of the past and realized that each post we blog about what may be the emotion of that day or hopes for the future, our current experiences preserved for the future. I am so pleased that I have this blog that I hope will be around or I am able to somehow preserve all that I have journaled here so that one day Joshua and Hannah are able to read my thoughts and see 'the past' in their present. I have sometimes gone back to previous posts and re-read them and looked at pictures of my so called 'online diary'. I have always kept a diary from young but gave it up for many years and found writing by hand frustrating as I like to write fast and it was often untidy, I like the idea of a 'virtual diary' a lot more and wonder if there is way to preserve our blogs or even back them up so that it can be kept for our children and children's children. I have seen a book kind of like 'my baby's first record book' that is for grandmothers and grandfathers where you can record all their memories and details, which I thought was a really good idea.

I also have to add that Susan's post on Jacques 32nd Birthday had a bit of influence on the content of this blog and want to say that I really really admire your strength and honesty, you may not feel strong at times but your posts show a strength in the will to go on, to raise Jake, to honour Jacques memory and to live life to the fullest, it also brought tears to my eyes, and an appreciation of what sometimes we take for granted.

So I encourage you all to keep on blogging even if it is sometimes here and there, one day our little (or big) children will treasure the messages / receipes / pictures that you have shared.
xxxx

Juggling Balls

Today is Friday and it is the weekend, TGIF, has never been more appropriate, I have had a hellish week.... everyone keeps saying it gets better but it is hard work.
Josh was still ill on Monday and stayed home with me, Hannah has decided that she does not appreciate her brothers temper tantrums in the evenings and refuses to settle from 5:30 to at least 8pm which means my entire time is taken up by her.She is asserting or fighting for complete attention, which is the time when I need to also spend with Josh, which is the time that at least 9 times out of 10 my husband is not home from work. Sometimes getting home at 7pm either just before or just after. Which is practically bed time anyway, never mind getting supper started. Last night I lost the plot, I had two crying children, one throwing a major tantrum the other screaming her head off, vomit all down the inside of my top and a routine to still follow, i.e. feed Josh, bath Josh and breastfeed Hannah inbetween and wind her....suicide hour has turned into suicide hourS. It is not always so bad that I feel I could go off my rocker, but last night it was and where was my husband working late AGAIN.. to say I am UP TO HERE with it is an understatement...and lets not go to the 1 and a half days Paternity / Family Responsibility Leave he took. One day being the day she was born! So last night Josh heard me shout for the first time, scream at his father on the phone and then burst into tears....only for me to feel terrible afterward as his little lip trembled and then he started to cry...what a ogre I felt like, its not his fault. He doesnt understand, he tries to communicate all the words he cant say yet and the feelings of having a new sibling who monopolizes my time. On the other hand I dont feel like a great mother allowing my new born baby to cry as I give my son the quickest bath in history..... I dont want parenting to be like this, it upsets me and I know it is normal and I know it will pass, but I want to make memories not just deal with chaos all the time. I shudder to think how it will be when I have to go back to work, even more rushed, even more stressed ... we do what we have to and work because we have to and there are bonds and bills to pay... but at what price? to me there must always be a balance, life is just that a balance, everything in moderation.  But it is hard to keep all these balls juggled in the air, balance your time, balance your life, balance your budget. I suppose it is the rollercoaster of life ups and downs, joy and sadness.
I have to count my blessings though even though  my post may sound negative, I have a lot that others do not and have two children that are an absolute blessing when there are others that would be dying to go through what we are going through now..to have a child of their own, or have lost a child and would do anything to experience again what we are...Friends we know have a newborn in hospital with jaundice in ICU and whilst I am confident all will be fine with her, it just puts everything that happened last night into perspective....Today is a new day and I am thankful for it.
Have a wonderful weekend all xxx

2 weeks and 2 children

Hi all well I have survived the first two weeks...barely...lol. It has been a bit crazy to be honest and not nearly as calm and carefree as the first time around, when we had one baby to lavish attention on, a full time nanny and maid and a husband that got home at a reasonable hour.
Hannah is very good, she is actually very alert for her age I think and her neck is incredibly strong. I must admit I find the breastfeeding is going very well, and am fortunate (touch wood) that there has been no mastitis cracked nipples etc, however find it very time consuming. It is natural for a baby her size to feed anywhere between 2-4 hourly, and most of her feeds are around 3 hours with one or two been 2 hours if she feels like it then some night feeds are 4 hours. It just seems to take forever, feed, wind, maybe have to change a nappy, feed, wind. I try and allow it to be a bonding time but it is difficult when you know that there is other stuff to be done and a toddler to see to, it is more so with the late afternoon feeds not so much in the day. However Joshua has not been at daycare for the last 2 days as he had a temperature and a bit of a cough, we took him to the Doctor yesterday just to be sure, as I dont mind home treating colds etc, but dont like a chesty cough to be left and prefer to have a chest infection checked out. He has mild bronchitis, it isnt on his chest as yet but has a lot of phlegm and does not seem to cough it up, so he is on antibiotics and probiotics and some kiddies cough medicine goodness before you are home you have spent a fortune. So being at home with both has really kept me on the go, it is ok, tiring but not impossible. I can tell you one thing though it is a full time job and anyone who dares say being a stay at home mom is 'the easy life' obviously hasnt been there.

So as we muddle our way through the days, which become nights which become days and you kind of say 'wow she is 2 weeks already' and as Wendy put it 'we are doing this' as what else can we do, I try and look for the moments and capture some with camera, cuddle here and kiss there, read a bed time story and bath my newborn tenderly, before you know it the phase will have past and I will be remembering to back when Hannah was a baby. Joshua at 18months is no more a baby and when I handle Hannah then him I am amazed by his growth and the size of his feet, legs and heaviness! 12kg as opposed to 4.3kg - I will have super strong triceps! I also must mention that having been able to breastfeed has really helped shed those baby kilos, I am believe it or not weighing less than what I did when I fell pregnant with Hannah by about 3kg's!! There is still a bit of a tummy, which exercise will help get rid of and am looking forward to warmer days so that we can go walking.  Just need to watch how I eat as knowing from experience the last time, I stopped breastfeeding Josh and put on weight, but hopefully with it being summer it wont be that bad,  as can eat lots of salads etc, instead of comfort winter food. I am looking forward to the weekend as it means dad is home, he has a very pressurized job in the industry he is in and now to Dec is their busiest time so Clive has not had much chance to bond with his daughter, so I count the days till the weekend and get a bit miserable on a Sunday evening, here's to December holidays, although not too quickly... I dont want to wish away my maternity leave... dont even want to think about that right now :-(
Here are some new pics

Love me x

Hannah's Here...

Hi everyone I have been nagged for pictures so here are the first of madam princess who arrived on 23rd September 2009 @ 02:12am - weighing 4.205kg and 57cm in length!












She is here and we are in love.... it is different to having your first but no less precious, it was a long road for me this pregnancy and to say that I am thrilled she is out is an understatement! It was quite a palava (spelling?) her impending arrival. I had quite a time with my gynae and had to make a decision as believe it or not... she was going away for the long weekend, exactly when Hannah was due, and she was also away when Joshua was born so to say I was 'gatvol' of her missing the birth and potential birth of my second baby was also an understatement.
I had spoken to her on numerous occassions early on in passing every now and again, 'dont be going away again for this birth please' only for her to tell me at my 39 week check up she was going away! To cut a very long story short, I had to go to hospital on Sunday to have stress test as baby was showing up as 4.510 grams on ultrasound and I had high blood pressure and a trace of protein in urine which was a concern for pre-eclampsia. All tested fine on the Sunday and I called her office on Monday morning to discuss options: Which she said were as follows:

1. Wait it out
2. Induce
3. Caesaraen Section - due to size

I got the feeling that she was under pressure and therefore said I should wait it out - I wasnt happy to do this as knew that she would more than likely miss the birthing then due to her being away and if this baby was big and I had to do a C/Section then would prefer it to be with the Dr I had been with for my first pregnancy and now 9 months of my second. After a lot of deliberation and a few tears I decided on the induction, she would be induce only 2 days before her actual due date and felt she was at a healthy enough weight anyway and I really wanted to try and do natural birth again. Again was met by a bit of opposition but stood my ground and I was induced at about 9pm on Tuesday the 22nd September. Clive was not able to stay with me as the maternity and labour wards were full they had had 11 C/Sections that day! I was in an observation room that held two beds and therefore he could not stay with me as both of us had to try and get some sleep as they said Induction can take up to 12hrs and were not concerned about me delivering that night any time soon.
I did have a pethadine injection early on to help with the mild contractions I was having which they picked up on the monitor when I first arrived (I had woken up for 2 days in a row at 3am in the morning with bad menstrual type cramps which I wasnt sure if was Braxton Hicks - as did not have this with Josh initially as my waters broke with him first.) I had the gel for the induction and Clive duly left and so started getting more cramps nothing unbearable though... the poor woman next to me - it was her first pregnancy and she said that I was scaring her, so the nurses decided in order to let her get some rest they were going to move me into a labour ward where I could sleep. Not sure what time that was probably around midnight or so...I also remember my waters breaking whilst on the bed and then close your eyes ...TMI coming up.. felt though I needed to go to the loo for a no.2 and luckily the nurse said wait let me check if you have dilated... exactly the same scenario as Joshua's birth..she almost had a heart attack and said to the other midwife..call Doctor now shes fully dilated she can see the head. LOL... I said can I call my husband? So I call and so my husband doesnt answer.....so I call again, by this time I felt a bit out of it as I was tired and having bad contractions he answers but very groggily, I say get to the hospital NOW he answers nochantly ok and puts phone down, I picture him thinking he is dreaming and going back to sleep... I remember having the gas (which is wonderful) and that was the only thing helping me keep her until Doctor and Clive got there, which felt like 5 minutes later, they both ran through the doors together apparently. I do not exaggerate and Clive can bear as my witness that he got there and I pushed twice and she was there...Thank Goodness for that! It was all a bit of blur to be quite honest the quickness in which everything happened.... I am just glad that she arrived safe and sound and that I got the birth that I wanted and there was no need for an emergency C/Section. I told my gynae in my post birth haze she could go on holiday now.... lol!
Hannah looks so much like Josh did at birth it is scary and though she was a lot bigger (Josh was born 3.67kg) she seems finer / more petite I suppose. As I mentioned it is different with your second not as emotional and awe struck but in the 4 days that she has been here I have felt my love and bond grow with her, she knows my voice and looks directly at me from close up and it is amazing how quick you forget and how quick they grow ..so it is lovely to experience it all again.

The only downside has been for me my sadness at losing a bit of my connection with Josh, he is out of sorts as he would be, it is horrible, I hated being away from him while in hospital, I know it gave him and his dad time to bond as he has always been 'mummy's boy' but I feel so sad in my heart that he may be hurting a bit that I cant be with him all the time as I have another baby to look after and nurture and feed...(all the time). So my heart is sore on that front and he has been playing up I can only hope to try and create special mum and Josh times which is difficult in the first week but am determined to as I dont want him to feel any less loved. I suppose it is one of lifes hard lessons, it is not all about us and we cannot have the world revolve around us only, we are here to be apart of a family and have to share our emotions and our time with others.

So thats us for now we had two nightmare nights with both kids being up on Saturday night for half the night the one set the other off and Josh is teething badly, so we have been a bit zombieish this weekend, hopefully we can settle into a good routine soon. We will keep you posted...
x

Still Waiting....

So today is 15th September and though it is not Hannah's due date until the 24th September, I feel as though she should be here already, though that may be my poor tired body talking. Really no exaggeration this pregnancy has been so much harder than my first and am really looking forward to not having this huge tummy to lug around, I know I need to treasure it etc etc etc as this is MOST DEFINITELY the last pregnancy, but really I am just tired and sore and achy and feel that Hannah must come now. Josh is also playing up a bit at the moment which also makes me think that he senses something is about to change in our world soon, all of a sudden his night time routine has gone for a proverbial ball of &^%*, and he screams and cries when he has to be put down and I have to lie with him to get him to sleep, which I so dont want to do, but my heart just breaks for him ... and can also not do this controlled crying thing at night when he is so distressed. So we wait in anticipation of what little Hannah will look like and when she will decide to grace us with her presence at the moment she is just enjoying sticking her heel out every now and again which I can clearly feel to say 'hi still in here'.
We'll keep you all posted.
xxxx

ONE MORE DAY....

One more day....yipeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
Just tomorrow and then I am on Maternity Leave yay! Have a gynae appointment in the afternoon so we will see how things go and then next week feet up and get stuck into sorting out Hannahs room and stuff.........Perhaps then I will start to really feel excited instead of so tired and drained, and look forward to the arrival of our little girl, a whole new side for us to adapt to and for Joshua to adapt to, a baby sister 'baba' as he would say hmmmm hope he likes her :-) Cause we cant return her....

On a more sombre note, the day before yesterday, some of you would have seen in the Argus yesterday the announcement of the death of a little girl Saskia at a creche in Kirstenhof.... well it was a bit close to home -in a way- as a friend of mine Theresa who works at Liberty had sent an email mid morning to please ask a group of us to pray for her colleague who had just got news that her daughter had gone to sleep at the creche and would not wake up..... the article in the newspaper yesterday was about her colleague..their whole office was shaken. I cant imagine what this poor mother (well I can try) is going through...what a nightmare. If you read the reports from the paper they say it could have been 'avoidable' as there may have been a delay from the paramedics side, but it also mentions that she was sick and they allowed her to decide if she wanted to stay at home with her grandfather or go to school, she wanted to go to school. They are awaiting the pathology reports to see the exact cause of death... but it will never bring back her 3 year old... so hug your child/ren a little tighter and never take for granted the gift of life.... a young life taken so early..... there are no answers.

Joshua - 17 months - my little boy

I cant believe my little baby is no more a baby.... he is almost a year and half.....which means that his sister is almost here :-)
How can time fly so fast???? Here are some pics.....

Joshua bored

Max Davis

Jasper Davis

gonna jump mum

having a guys talk

I love this face

Josh laughing at the guys hitting each other with a ball

sarah cobley

mmmm nice ice cream

me and my dad